there is nothing for me but to love you
by salanderjade
Summary: She loved him. She always had and she always would. Now, she had to tell him before it was too late. A one shot based on a drabble prompt I received on Tumblr. AU


"Katniss, don't do this."

She'd never heard Prim's voice so anxious, not even on the day of her first Reaping. Prim was trembling as she stared at her sister with worried eyes.

"It's not right, Katniss, not today. You're only going to cause pain. Both to him and to yourself."

Katniss felt something within her break. Tiny shards, like shattered glass, cascaded through her leaving a million cuts in its wake. And they bled. Oh how they bled. She'd known pain before, known suffering; but this was agony that tore her apart from the inside out.

"I know," she murmured. "But I have to, Prim. I have to tell him."

Prim worried her bottom lip, uncertainty digging deep furrows in to her brow. She tried to keep her voice gentle, knowing that to argue would only make Katniss dig in her heels. "He's getting married. You said it yourself that Delly will be good for him. He can make a life with her. It's too late, Katniss. You've waited too long."

Whatever reaction she expected, it wasn't what happened next. Katniss's face crumpled, storm gray eyes welling with unshed tears. She tried to fight them off, but it was too much. When the first tear fell, the gates opened wide and nothing could hold back the flood. All Prim could do then was gather her in, whispering comforting nonsense until she cried herself out.

"She is good," Katniss scrubbed her eyes with the pads of her fingers, her voice hoarse from crying. "She'll be good to him. He can be happy. He deserves that."

"So do you," Prim said somberly. "Since Gale married Leevy, you've been different. Something changed. I've seen it. Why didn't you tell Peeta how you feel then?"

"Because everybody expected Gale and I to end up together. It would have looked like I settled. He would have had to live with the gossip and the looks for the rest of his life and I couldn't do that to him."

Prim sighed, knowing her sister was right. Life in Twelve followed predictable paths. Peeta could very easily be viewed as an object of pity, since neither he nor her stubborn sister ever showed the slightest bit of interest in one another. At least, not where anyone could see. They'd never spoken a word about the bread when they were eleven nor the conversation outside the bakery when they were sixteen, the year eighteen year old Rye Mellark was reaped.

When news of an engagement between the baker's son and the cobbler's daughter began making the rounds, it was the first time Prim ever saw her strong, stoic sister falter. It only took one question for the whole story to come tumbling out. Stolen glances, finding hope amid burnt bread and bright yellow blooms, bits of information traded as much as loaves for meat. As impossible as it sounded, Katniss Everdeen had given away her heart.

"He won't leave her for you," Prim noted sadly. "He wouldn't do that."

"I know," Katniss returned, gray eyes solemn and sure. "I don't expect him to."

"Then why tell him?"

Her sister pulled on her old hunting jacket and then pulled her long coil of hair out of her collar. "I have my reasons," she said evasively. "I'll be back soon."

Prim watched her go, a leaden weight in her chest where her heart used to be.

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She took a deep breath, tried to steady her shaking hands and then knocked on the door before she lost her nerve. Heavy footsteps sounded and the door was abruptly pulled open. She opened her mouth but the words hung in her throat at the sight of those sky blue eyes.

"Katniss," he gave her a sweet, shy smile that set her heart pounding in her chest. "I wasn't expecting you today. Did you come to trade?"

She shook her head, empty hands splayed at her sides and her tongue a tangled knot as she stood in bewildered silence. Seconds stretched into minutes as they stood on either side of the door, her unable to make the words come and him unsure what was happening.

"Did you need something in particular, cheese buns maybe or that nut bread I know you like?"

"I came to talk to you," she blurted, cheeks flaming at the abruptness of her declaration. "Can we…is that okay?"

Peeta didn't ask questions. He immediately stepped outside, closing the door behind him. "Yes, of course. Is everything okay? Is it Prim?" Again, the silent head shake. "Katniss, I'd love to help but you're going to have to tell me what brought you here." He laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, brows pulling together when he felt the tremor that shook her. "C'mon, tell me."

She gulped audibly and, for some reason, turned her head while blinking rapidly. "I…uh…need to ask a favor. It's not much but…I thought you might be willing to…"

"A favor," Peeta repeated softly. "What do you want me to do?"

Letting out a shaky breath, she seemed to brace herself before she spoke. "Look after Prim. She's eighteen now and the apothecary agreed to take her on as an apprentice. Part of the contract is for room and board. I hoped that you might keep an eye on her for me, make sure she's getting on alright."

His smile broadened into a grin, clearly delighted. "That's great! I know Prim has turned into a talented healer. The apothecary is lucky to have her." His head tilted inquiringly. "Of course, I'll watch out for her but the Seam isn't that far from Town. You'll be able to see her every day. Why would she need me?"

"Because she does," Katniss said shortly. "I can't always be there and Gale has his own family to look after. You'll be here most of the time and I know if you give your word, you'll keep it. Will you do it?" The smile faded but his eyes were steady as he nodded. Relief flooded her eyes and a solitary tear slid down her cheek as she returned the gesture. "Congratulations on your toasting. I wish you very happy, both you and Delly."

He blushed but offered up another of those sun-bright smiles. "Are you coming? I know Delly would love it if you did. So would I."

Katniss shied back, ducking her head so that she didn't have to meet his gaze. "I don't think so. That's why I came by now, because I knew you'd be leaving soon."

Confusion and a touch of hurt colored his words. "Please, Katniss, it would mean a lot to me if you did. Would you think about it?"

She shook her head furiously. "No, sorry. I can't. I can't watch you…I mean…it would..no. No." She spun on her heel and walked away quickly, him hot on her heels.

"Katniss, wait a minute. What is it? What's wrong?"

Katniss whirled to face him, tears streaming unheeded down her face. "I love you," she screamed. "I've always loved you and I can't stand there watching while you marry someone else. I couldn't take it."

Peeta stopped in his track, mouth gaping as he tried and failed to understand what had just happened. "You…love..me," he repeated on a whisper.

"Goodbye, Peeta," she mouthed before taking off at a run, as swift and fleet as a deer. She was gone from sight before he could even think of following.

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Prim's hand covered her mouth, tears blurring the words on the scrap of paper in her hands. Furious knocking brought her head up and a soft cry escaped her as she bolted for the door. "Katniss," she called hopefully. Pulling the door open, she stood in slack-jawed surprise at the sight of Peeta Mellark pacing on the front porch.

"Is she here?" He asked without preamble. "Can I see her? Please, Prim, where's Katniss?"

Her eyes slid closed, fingers crushing the letter as pain knifed through her heart. She handed him the piece of paper and watched silently as he smoothed out the wrinkles and read it for himself.

"What's this?" He demanded. "Where is she?"

Prim cupped his cheek, forcing him to meet her gaze as she gently took the letter from his hands. "She's gone, Peeta. She took off into the woods. I don't think she's coming back."

"But she said…she came to see me…" his anguished voice tore at her heart. "She left before I could say it back. Why would she say it and then go?"

Prim covered her mouth with a shaking hand. Her beautiful, selfless, stupid sister. Of course, she would be the last one to see what was right in front of her.

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She made good time. Even after leaving the familiar paths of her hunting grounds, she continued to follow animal trails, veering into areas that showed signs of life. It boded well for hunting and keeping clear of areas decimated by the Capital's bombing of Thirteen so many years ago. Some places still reeked of smoke and ash, made unlivable by radiation and fallout from bombs. Others, that weren't directly hit, had rebounded. That was her target, to find some sort of shelter in one of these islands. The cabin at the lake would be too easy for them to find her. No, this was for the best. The break would be clean, which was what she wanted.

As she walked, her mind wandered. Scenes flickered like lightning, memories of those she'd left behind. Prim with her capable hands and calm eyes; Gale with his fierce determination and stubborn loyalty. And then there was Peeta, her boy with the bread. She couldn't say why leaving him made her ache more than the others. Could have been and might have been…those thoughts burned the back of her throat like acid. I love you and I can't stand there watching while you marry someone else. By now, the deed was done. She'd meant it when she said he'd do well with Delly. If she couldn't be with him, Katniss took solace that he'd at least have someone decent to share his life. And he'd promised to look after Prim. She had no doubts that he would keep his word. Prim would have a good life, much better than the subsistence they'd eked out in the Seam.

"It's for the best," she murmured, fingers tight on the curve of her bow. "Better for everyone that I'm gone."

Still the memories rolled on…Lady licking Prim's cheek, Gale's winsome smile during his toasting, and Peeta's red-rimmed eyes after his brother's Reaping. Katniss could picture every detail in her mind. She'd gone to the bakery in hopes of seeing him, clutching a squirrel in case one of the others came to the door. Instead, she found him sitting under the old apple tree, arms wrapped around his knees and tears tracing grubby lines on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled as she sat down a few feet away, the squirrel lying forgotten at her side.

Peeta managed a weak smile, brushing his eyes with the back of his hand. "He joked that they would declare him Victor as soon as he stepped off the train in the Capital. Said the only one that could hold a candle to him was Finnick Odair. Rye always had a good opinion of himself. Should go a long way toward getting him sponsors."

Forgetting herself for a moment, Katniss rested her hand on his shoulder. "He could win, Peeta," she said quietly. "He won the wrestling tournament at school. He's funny and good-looking. He'll have plenty of sponsors. He could be the next Victor. You can never tell."

His blue eyes were grateful but resigned as he looked at her. "Do you really think that's possible, Katniss? Do you really believe he can get past the Careers? He can wrestle and he can bake. You can't frost someone to death in the Arena."

She dropped her gaze, voice temporarily deserting her. The odds weren't in Rye Mellark's favor. They never were for tributes from Twelve. Still, she had to offer some bit of hope. She couldn't stand the dull acceptance of his brother's impending death in his face. He'd given up and that broke something vital in her. Peeta Mellark should never look like that.

"It was his last year," he whispered. "I should have done something. It should have been me."

Before she could stop herself, Katniss was on her knees before him as she forced him to look at her. "He wouldn't want that. You know it as well as I. Rye is strong. He's quick and smart and knows the right thing to say. Don't give up, Peeta. He could still come home."

"Thank you, Katniss," his low reply was rough around the edges, still filled with pain and yet grateful.

She only nodded but sat with him as the light faded and the minutes ran one into the other.

She kept going, moving from one clearing to the next as the sun slid closer to the horizon. Thirteen was on the other side of the mountains, in a deep valley that stretched on forever. It was her best chance. Not eve Gale would think that she'd be foolish enough to head in that direction. If they did look for her, they'd never find her where she was going.

After a two-day walk, she did find a safe harbor. The cabin was small, with thick walls and missing half its roof. It was covered with vines, blending into the background as if it had sprouted there. Katniss wasted no time, piling up tender and sparking a blaze with flint and steel. She soon had a rabbit browning on a spit and a bed made of moss and pine boughs. Snares, cunningly concealed, would hopefully provide an ample breakfast. She'd just taken the meat off the bone, blowing it before stuffing it into her mouth, when the hovercraft appeared overhead.

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Gale Hawthorne paced back and forth like a caged predator, brow furrowed as he took in their unlikely story. "You're saying that she took off, just like that, without so much as goodbye." He snorted in disbelief. "No way, Prim. Catnip wouldn't do that. She wouldn't leave you alone."

Prim crossed her arms, meeting Gale's skepticism with an icy look. "She didn't leave me alone. She asked Peeta to look out for me."

The look the two men exchanged could charitably be called unfriendly. Gale broke first, wheeling to face Prim. "Why would she do that? It doesn't make sense. Why would she go?"

Prim shrugged, her eyes flickering to Peeta. He shook his head, silently warning her away. It made her want to hiss in annoyance, like Buttercup over an empty food bowl. They didn't have time for nonsense. The longer they delayed, the further away Katniss would get. They needed Gale to have a chance at finding her in the woods.

"She thought it would be better if she left," Prim admitted. "I'll be going to the apothecary soon. You and Leevy are settled now. Peeta's was to be today. Everyone she cared about was taken care of. There was no reason for her to stay so she didn't."

"What?" Gale sputtered. "Everyone she cared about? Peeta? I don't understand."

Prim caught his hand, tugging on it until he gave her his full attention. "She loves him, Gale. She always has. You know how Katniss is. She kept it to herself."

Gale shook his head, not able to process what he was being told. "Loves him? But how? They've never said a word outside of trading at the bakery." He scoffed. "He's marrying the Cartwright girl. It's all anybody can talk about."

"I was marrying Delly," Peeta corrected. "I couldn't go through with it once I knew Katniss felt the same way I did."

Prim wheeled, her hand covering her mouth. "You broke it off! Peeta, how could you?"

"As much as I love Delly, she's like my sister. Our mothers arranged the engagement. I knew Katniss didn't want to marry just as I knew Delly has always wanted Thom Greenly. Her family would cut her off if they found out. The day we told our mothers to make the announcement was the day Thom married Astor McClaine."

Prim's lower lip quivered. "But that means Delly has no one now."

Peeta nodded sadly, his mouth turning down at the corners. "She said if there was a chance of finding her, then I should take it. She didn't want us to end up like her. Delly's a good person."

"So you want me to do what exactly?" Gale questioned, looking from one to the other.

"We want you to take Peeta in to the woods to look for Katniss," Prim laid a hand on his arm, cornflower blue eyes imploring. "We want to bring her home. Will you help us?"

Gale opened his mouth, and then just as swiftly closed it again. "Okay, I'll do it. I'll go." He leveled a finger in Peeta's direction. "You keep up and don't give me crap out there. If we're going to catch her, we have to move fast."

"I'll keep up," Peeta said confidently. "I just want to bring her back."

Spinning on his heel, Gale stalked outside, motioning for Peeta to follow with a jerk of his head.

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Peeta looked around in wonder at the half moon lake nestled in the trees. High on a bank stood an old cabin with concrete walls and cracked windows. A slanted chimney stood sentinel in one corner. Gale hugged a thick boughed oak and watched the house silently for a few moments. "There's no fire," he muttered. "It looks empty."

"Where else could she have gone?" Peeta asked softly. "How far could she have gotten? She hasn't been gone that long."

Gale made a noncommittal motion before slipping around the tree and stalking toward the house. "Catnip," he called. "It's me, Gale. Come on out, dammit. We came to take you home." His only answer was a water bird's low call echoing across the water.

"Katniss," Peeta shouted. "If you're there, please come out."

There was no answer from the cabin but the bird's discreet call sounded again. They entered, eyes sweeping the single room, verifying what they'd already guessed. Gale doubled up a fist and punched the textured wall, cursing under his breath. Peeta looked on helplessly, making a slow circuit around the room, looking for some sign that she'd been there. Seeing furtive movements outside the window, he hugged the wall, motioning furiously to catch Gale's eye.

The men moving outside were clearly soldiers, wearing uniforms of a utilitarian cut. They fanned out, communicating with hand signals as they fell into formation around the door. "You in the cabin, come out. We won't fire unless provoked so it's best that you cooperate."

"What do we do?" Peeta stammered.

"What do you think?" Gale returned. "We do what they say. Those aren't Peacekeepers."

They filed through the door, hands raised and found themselves surrounded by six or seven men, rifles unslung and carried at the ready. "Who are you and what are you doing out here?" The one who seemed to be the leader questioned.

"We're from Twelve," Peeta chimed in despite Gale's quelling look. "We're looking for a girl who might have come this way." He held up a hand on level with his chin. "She's not very big, with dark hair and gray eyes."

The officer gave an understanding nod; holstering his rifle and pulling out a complicated device alight with blinking lights. "My name is Boggs. We're from Thirteen. Earlier today, one of our boundary sensors tripped. Thinking it might be a possible incursion by the Capital, we dispatched a couple of squads. It might be your girl."

"Would you be willing to take us there?" Peeta questioned eagerly. "We're not from the Capital and we won't bother you again. It's important."

Boggs mulled it over, light blue eyes shifting from one to the other. "Policy states that she go to Thirteen for questioning. We don't take this sort of thing lightly."

This time, it was Gale who spoke. "She's just one person. Trust me, she doesn't mean your people any harm. She just took off and we want to bring her home."

"If we do this, will you give your word that you won't trespass in Thirteen's territory going forward? Just know if you do, the penalties are severe."

The two eyed each other uneasily before giving an affirmative shake of their head. "Just take us to her," Peeta stated. "That'll be the last time you'll hear from us." He let out a relieved breath when Boggs exchanged glances with his men and then nodded.

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Katniss gasped, ducking back inside and floundering for her bow. It had to be Peacekeepers. Her father's weapon wouldn't do her much good but it was a comfort to feel its weight. If she was going to die, at least she'd have something of her family with her.

"Katniss," her name filled the clearing, pulling the breath from her lungs. "Katniss, it's Peeta and Gale. We've come to take you home."

Her bow fell from nerveless fingers as she stumbled outside, gray eyes wide and disbelieving. There he was. Blond curls falling in waves over his forehead, almost but not quite obscuring those cornflower blue eyes. He smiled when he saw her, blinking rapidly as he shrugged off one of the faceless soldier's hands and bounded toward her.

She didn't realize she was moving until he caught her up, pulling her close and burying his face in her hair. "Peeta," she said in wonder. "How did you find me? What are you doing here?"

He cupped her chin, eyes moving slowly over her face. "You took off before we finished our conversation."

Katniss shook her head, too confused by his sudden appearance to pull away as he'd expected. "But Delly. Prim. Oh my God, is Prim okay? Is that why you came?"

"She's fine. So is Delly. She told me to come."

"But the…Peeta, is that Gale?" Her eyes rounded as she caught a glimpse of her best friend lost in conversation with one of the steely eyed soldiers.

"Katniss," Peeta interrupted. "Yes, that's Gale. We've come to bring you home. Prim talked him into bringing me out here."

She pulled away, folding her arms across her middle as she avoided his pleading gaze. "I can't. You know why. You shouldn't have come here."

"What I know," he interjected, "is that I love you too. I'm taking you home where you belong. You and me and Prim, we'll be a family. Please, Katniss. Stay with me."

Looking into his desperate eyes, seeing an inexhaustible love burning there, she felt her heart leap. Warmth gathered in her chest, spreading out along her limbs to the very tips of her being. Katniss felt hot tears flood her eyes and trickle down her cheeks as she stared up at him. He waited…let her come to it all on her own. When she spoke, she meant it with everything she had. "Always."


End file.
